by Midori

 Gaston Bussiere. “Isolde” 1911

The bedroom is a microcosm of power, leadership and creativity. It’s a curious little laboratory magnifying our deep needs, elemental doubts, hidden motivations, and even the complex contradictions of the self. In BDSM, this magnification seems even sharper.

This is not at all what people expect, or have on their minds, when they arrive at my weekend intensive.

I teach women the art of erotic dominance via ForteFemme. They come thinking they were looking for some sexy kink skills and some bedroom spice-up. They leave having found something else entirely. They discover their own deep power potential, and a roadmap to practice ethical power towards an integrated, fulfilled life.

As women, we often feel held back. Feeling that being sexually joyous is not attainable ~ even as we have access to great sex information… Feeling that we are not amazing ~ even as we lead businesses and raise beautiful families… Feeling that our influence in the world is in some way insignificant ~ even as we create and inspire those around us.

Here’s what often holds us back from exploring our erotic powers… and what that’s about.

1. “Making my partner happy is all I need to be satisfied.”

She focuses intensely on her partner’s wants, so much so that she never makes room to ask herself what would really please her. She calls it empathy, but sometimes it just feels empty. She wishes her partner would be sated enough one day to touch her in the way she secretly craves. Then she feels guilty for being so ‘selfish’.

2. What will they think of me? What if they won’t like the real me?

She has fantasies, plenty of them. But she keeps them locked up tight like some Pandora’s Box. She fears that her desires of too monstrous to let out. Once she’s found out, surely anyone would turn their backs on her.

3. I should be really skilled and perfect before I try it for real.

She takes her responsibility very seriously. She believes that perfect skills will bring guaranteed success and ward off mistakes and missteps. Except that deep down, she knows this isn’t possible. But she keeps striving for perfection, and in the end never touches another soul along her lonely journey to impossible flawlessness.

4. I don’t want to hurt them.

She is deeply kind. There is a wild beauty buried deep within her. But somewhere along the way she was told, and came to believe, that the wild is monstrous. If she could just be free, truly free, she’s realize that her wild nature is wise and balanced and graceful beyond measure.

5. I don’t know what I’m doing.

She underestimates herself and doesn’t give her wisdom and experience credit. She mistakes trivia and technical know-how with knowing and good judgement. She already possesses what what she needs.

6. I’m not a bitch.

No, she’s not. She’s been given a very limited view of women and power. With a new set of world-glasses she’ll see

7. It’s all too complicated.

See #5.

8. Does this makes me a bad person?

Sometimes we’re told that behaviors that are inconvenient or unexpected to others are “bad.” It’s a old story that keeps us “well-behaved” and artificially weakened.

9. It’s not feminine.

If being feminine were weak, how could we carry such huge love and hold so much weight of compassion? Feminine is strong. Period.

10. Do I have to wear that stuff?


11. It’s so much responsibility…

She believes that she’ll be the one bearing all the burden when her partner is there to share in the adventures together. Leading and following may have slightly different duties, but the responsibility to one another and to one’s authentic self are the same.

12. My background tells me this is bad.

I’m so sorry. I know this is a lot to take in at once ~ but there’s a lot in our backgrounds that’s just really bad information.

13. I’m not an abuser or a bully.

Bullying and leadership are two different things. We really should have more tools from kindergarten days to allow us to see this differently. Bullies create experiences where people feel bad afterwards. Leaders create intense experiences where everyone feel better and brighter after. She is a leader.

14. Men are not attracted to powerful or smart women.

If the tigress frightens the mice, the tigress should find other tigers. If the mare frightens the goat, the mare should look for stallions.

15. It’s not “natural”.

Ever see a mother animal in the wild? Tell the wolf mom, bear mom, lionesses, mother birds, and even the domestic cat and dog moms that they aren’t powerful. The femme nature is fierce.

16. I won’t be like-able or be lovable.

Look for someone who can look you in your eyes and see you. They like you. They will love you.

. . .

Women harbor a deep reservoir of creative potential. Women also possess vast possibilities of leadership from a place of ethical power and joy. Not just some women. Not just many women. Yes, all women.

Yet these 16 doubts continue and continue to hold us back. It doesn’t have to be like this.

How do we change this?

There is one simple and easy step to start getting past it… into your power.

Let’s start with how we hold our space, and the space we choose to take.

Yes, stand up or sit up straight. Straighten up your spine. Roll your shoulders back. Level your gaze. Know that you are good and you are right and you have rightfully earned your place in the world. You are the influencer of others’ emotional states. Slow your breathing, from your gut.

This is good.

You are the good start.

More on this in a future installment…. It’s late ~ I’m going to go get my power sleep on!

If you’re interested in exploring your femme power in kink and life, consider sharing a unique weekend with me at ForteFemme Women’s Dominance Intensive. This experience is limited to 8 women per class.

The ForteFemme training happens a few times a year in New York and San Francisco.

Original Article