How to Make Love to a Zombie - plus Classes & intensives in SF, NYC, Brooklyn, Philly, Santa Cruz, San Rafael & Dallas too?

  1. How to Make Love to a Zombie: Ask Auntie Midori
  2. Midori's Upcoming Classes (San Francisco, NYC, Brooklyn, Philadelphia, Santa Cruz, San Rafael, Dallas?)
  3. Passionate Bonds D/s Protocol & BDSM Relationship Weekend w Laura Antoniou & Midori (Dec 5-7)
  4. Rope Dojo San Francisco. Jan 17-18, 2015
  5. Special Discount Early Registration Open! ForteFemme Women's Dominance Weekends NYC (Jan 30-Feb1), SF (Feb 20-22)
  6. My Online Hangouts

Send replies or questions: Ask@PlanetMidori.com

1. HOW TO MAKE LOVE TO A ZOMBIE: ASK AUNTIE MIDORI

I wrote this a few years back for the now defunct CarnalNation site… and now updated in honor of today! Halloweeeeeeen! BOO! (Hey, did I scare ya?)

[ As Halloween is upon us, our minds happily turn to things rising from the dead. And thus to Zombies — as Zombies are such a romantic autumnal motif for so many of us.

In the spirit of preparedness, let's explore the joys and hazards of sexual adventures with a zombie partner. Unless the alien harvester invasion, massive meteor collision, or other assorted environmental apocalypse totally denied by various politicians, happens sooner than expected, we can anticipate a zombie outbreak eventually.

After the initial outbreak and ensuing chaos passes, the dust and brain bits will eventually settle. The newly integrated zombie population will create a whole new social fabric and cultural norm. Housing issues, labor rights, death-care policies and other public policy issues will surely come to the forefront, but as I'm a sexual culture writer, I'll leave that to the wonks, bureaucrats and subject matter experts. And as Auntie Midori is always looking out for your pleasure life, I must pen this article with a sense of benevolent urgency.

The new zombie population and their putridly exotic ways will soon spawn a subculture eroticizing them, leading to zombie-chasers, zombie-hawks, growth in the mortuary and cemetery management industry, court battles over decriminalization and legalization of necrophilia, undead-porn, undead-sexual harassment cases and even star-crossed Romeo-and-Zombina romances.

Should your future erotic appetites run towards the undead hotties and studs, here are some tips, tricks and cautions for success and, most importantly, for survival.

Keep Your Head


"If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs…."

—"If," Rudyard Kipling

While Kipling did not intend his famous verse for zombiephiles, it's still excellent advice to heed. Before venturing out to any form of undead hook-ups, be prepared and stay alive. With rare exceptions, most zombiephiles are attached to their own vitality and living state. I do recognize that some of the living will actively seek conversion to undeadness through zombie shagging, but motivations behind this are usually beyond simple sexual predilections, so I encourage a conversation with your (non-zombie) therapist.

Know your zombie's nutritional preference and dining inclinations. Is she or he exclusively a brainovore, or do they lean towards voracious omnivorism? Perhaps they have a preference for large muscle tissue or the tender organs such as eyes or the digestive tract. Your zombie will likely not disclose their preferences to you, even if you're very fluent in Zombian Groan. The only way you can be certain is through observation of their table manners during their feeding frenzies. This is one of the reasons why anonymous zombie hook-ups aren't such a great idea.

If they're exclusively a brainovore, protection is a bit easier. Invest in a really good helmet, preferably Kevlar, with ear coverings at a minimum. If the helmet doesn't have ear coverings, at least use ear plugs. They can smell your brains through your ear canals. If the mood suddenly strikes the two of you and you don't have a helmet at hand, find a metal colander and strap it to your head with duct tape. Read on and you'll discover why duct tape is an essential part of a zombiephile's love-kit.

If your paramour's preferences go beyond the content of your skull, you'll need to take other precautions. If you don't want to go for a full-body Kevlar or chainmail covering for yourself, as this would deny you that lovely skin-to-putrefying-flesh sensuality, at least cover their feeding and foraging implements. Ball gags, muzzles, full hoods are all good ideas. Make sure the gags made of chew-proof material such as carbon steel or granite. In a pinch, duct tape their lips and jaw shut. Don't forget to bind their fingers and hands; again, duct tape will work if you don't have exquisite bondage mitts.
Keep in mind that it's inadvisable to use the phrase "eat me" or "giving head" in your lovemaking. If fisting is your sexual act of choice, please clarify your term to your nether-worldly sweetie.

Keeping It Together


"I fall to pieces,
Each time I see you again
I fall to pieces
How can I be just your friend?"

So crooned Patsy Cline, who may or may not have had secret love affairs with the undead during her prime, but certainly had it right about the melancholy nature of your zombie lover.
Your lover's level of decomposition will influence the potential of body part detachments. When newly made, zombie males are quite sexually popular, due to rigor mortis aiding in a serious case of petrified wood. With longtime zombie gentlemen, due to advanced natural rotting, you should be prepared for potential penile dislocation or detachment. It's just a fact of necro-love. If you really love his cock, then take the time to have his rod magnificently mounted by a taxidermist. It's a very romantic gesture. At a practical level, strap-on harnesses and dildos prove a very convenient solution for both of you. Have one on hand regardless of state of decay, just to be prepared. It saves both of you from that common awkward moment of unplanned E.D. (Erectile Dismemberment)
With newly made zombabes, the rigor mortis creates exceptionally pleasing tightness but lubrication can be an issue. Since she is dead, allergies or sensitivities won't be an issue, so go ahead and enjoy whatever slippery stuff you have on hand. Motor oil adds a lovely earthy richness to the scent of fresh death. If she's been around for a while, the rigor mortis loosens but there is greater slippery natural lubrication produced by the decay process, adding some exotic sensations.

Beyond the peculiarities of E.D., other body parts can fall off as well. Since we mentioned fisting earlier, if you like being fisted, at times you may find your enthusiasm may detach their arm or hand into you. Most zombie lovers know to simply grasp that embedded arm with the one still attached and use it like a dildo, so you won't miss a beat of pleasure. If they don't know this, instruct them to do so.
Duct tape, once again, is essential for emergency limb re-attachments. If considering a long-term relationship with a zombie, know that eventually he or she will be so wrapped up in tape that they may resemble a mummy more than a zombie. If the idea of humping a mummy leaves you cold, prophylactic fashion maybe necessary. Binding your zombie in plastic wrap before love-making will help keep it together for them while preserving the visual splendor of their necrotic skin. For the more fetishistic, latex, neoprene or leather garments help in maintaining their bodily integrity.

ZTC's


"I've got you under my skin.
I've got you deep in the heart of me.
So deep in my heart that you're really a part of me.
I said to myself: this affair never will go so well.
But why should I try to resist when, baby, I know down well
I've got you under my skin?

Don't you know, you fool, you never can win?"

—Cole Porter, "I've Got You Under My Skin"

Frank Sinatra, singing Cole Porter's lyrics, warns wisely that zombies can, indeed, get under your skin. Zombie Transmitted Conditions, or ZTC's, are numerous and worth avoiding. Assuming you avoid becoming the après-fornication snack, you still don't want to walk away with nasty little infections.

The good news is that the common STD's will no longer be an issue, as HIV, HSV, syphilis and other viral diseases prefer living flesh. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, "the Hepatitis C virus can survive outside the body at room temperature, on environmental surfaces, for at least 16 hours but no longer than 4 days." So if your zombie was positive for Hepatitis C, wait for a week or so after death and then lovingly bathe them in a 10% bleach bath for additional pre-sex disinfection. Make sure that the bath water is on the cold to cool side. Zombies tend to turn to stew in hot baths and hot tubs. While crabs will migrate off of them soon after turning, dust mites do like to live on zombies, especially in drier climates. This is worth noting for those with dust mite allergies.

How your zombie was made is important in consideration of ZTC risks. If they were made through pathogens transmitted through bites, the gags and duct tape mentioned earlier are crucial. If pathogens are in their breath, develop a fetish for biohazard masks. If they were zombified by supernatural forces or events, atheism and immersion in the writings of Richard Dawkins will protect you just fine.
Necrotic tissue can, in many situations, be contagious. Do make sure that you have no open wounds, down to the smallest of nicks, scratches or hang nails. To check for this, douse yourself in lemon juice and cover any cuts. If you have any bleeding wounds, postpone the date as your sweetie just might find the scent of blood an irresistible invitation to dinner rather than sex.

Romancing the Undead

Courting the undead has its own rituals and customs. Instead of a bouquet of fresh roses, which they might find offensive, or at least pointless, try a bouquet of road-kills. Appetizers and a post-coital dessert of fresh brains always wins them over and increases your potential for keeping yours in your head. A bed made to look like a mausoleum is fantastically romantic. Consult some of the vampyr fetishists who have gone into the coffin business for decorating tips on your love shack.

Some Zombies only date other zombies. In which case, take a hint and move on or re-evaluate your love for them versus your lust for life. Those zombies that shag humans, really like strong life signs. Exercise, stay fit, and use cosmetics that enhance rosy cheeks.

GGGRRAaarrf blarghg brwaar! (See you in the Apocalypse!) ]

With love and lunacy,

Midori

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2. UPCOMING CLASSES (San Francisco, NYC, Brooklyn, Philadelphia, San Rafael)

SAN FRANCISCO

• Sat 11/1. 6pm "Rope: Control & Dominance Moves"

• Sun 11/2. 5pm "Blushing & Squirming: Humiliation Play-The Why & The How"

• Tue 11/4. 6:30pm "Aural Sex: Seduction by Voice & Erotic Storytelling" at Good Vibrations on Polk St.

NEW YORK

• Wed 11/12 "How to Create Amazing Rope Scenes: Get in to Their Heads" at Purple Passion

• 11/14-11/16 ForteFemme: Women's Dominance Weekend Intensive Sold Out! Sign up for the waiting list or for the next course in January, 2015.

• 11/17-11/20 & 11/26-11/26 Private Instructions available. Why not learn in depth with personalized focus and instructions on topics you want? Contact me directly.

BROOKLYN

• Thr 11/13 "All Tied Up! Heart of Shibari: Japanese Rope Bondage with Midori" at Shag

PHILADELPHIA

• Fri 11/21 Performing at the Diabolique Ball!! Come see me make beauties into gorgeous rope wrapped mysteries!

Classes brought to you by Passional Boutique

• Sat 11/22 1pm "JoyStick Secrets: How to Thrill a Man"

• Sat 11/22 4pm "Best Kink Advice Nobody Told You"

• Sun 11/23 1pm "Rope: Control & Dominance Moves (A Rope Dojo Elective)"

• Sun 11/23 4pm "Flogging: Amazing Hands on Training"

SANTA CRUZ

• Tue 12/2 "Rope: Control & Dominance Moves" at Pure Pleasure Boutique

SAN RAFAEL

• Tue 12/9 "JoyStick Secrets: How to Thrill a Man" at Pleasures of the Heart

DALLAS

• 12/11 & 12/12 I might be coming to Dallas, Texas and teaching a couple of classes. More info soon! Stay tuned…

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3. Passionate Bonds Weekend: Creating Effective D/S Protocols & BDSM Relationships


Great news! Passionate Bonds weekend in December is happening! Thank you to all those for rallying by getting the word out and registering? Laura Antoniou & I are really thrilled that we'll be able to bring this amazing experience to SF again. We now have the minimum registration needed to continue for December.

Registration is open and we continue to welcome those who seek to consciously create mindful power exchange relationships and protocols that serve your joy.

We haven't decided if we'll continue this in the future. What would really help is those who'd commit to assisting us in getting the word out - and specific suggestions on exactly where to post the information.

Registeration & Info: PassionateBonds.com

Laura Antoniou and I are teaming up again to bring you this amazing weekend.

Learn how to create customized protocols and etiquette that work effectively for your unique relationship. Discover how to design protocol that enrich and strengthen your D/s or M/s relationship, and serve well through all aspects in your everyday life. By the end of the weekend you will have in your hands your own customized protocol manual as well as skills necessary to nourish a sustainable and fulfilling power exchange relationship.

Whether you are already in a relationship or are seeking one in the future, you'll gain powerful tools.

  • When: December 5 - 7, 2014
  • Where: Center for Sex Positive Culture, 1349 Mission St. San Francisco CA 94103
  • Cost: $400 / first person. $300 / each additional person

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4. ROPE DOJO (Jan 17-18, 2015) SAN FRANCISCO

Rope Dojo logo
Registration now open!

Info & Registration RopeDojo.com

Space Limited: 30 students

Cost: $450 /solo $775/pair

Instruction hours: 10am - 7pm both days

Confidence, skill, speed, beauty, intensity, deeper connection, presence and amazing scene control - learn how to make your rope play hotter and better with Rope Bondage Dojo. Now in its 13th year, experience this immersive and balanced training focusing on "Heart-Mind-Hand" approach and the Rope Dojo philosophy.

17+ hours of intensive rope education from five experienced Dojo Cadres. A weekend for all rope players, for those who tie and those who are tied.

Includes free admission to the Saturday night party "Rope, Smut & Popcorn Social", graduation gift goodies, lunches, morning & afternoon snacks

Curriculum and FAQ at RopeDojo.com

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5. SPECIAL DISCOUNT EARLY REGISTRATION OPEN! FORTEFEMME WOMEN'S DOMINANCE WEEKENDS NYC (Jan 30-Feb1), SF (Feb 20-22)

Don't miss the special early registration rate!

Info & Registration ForteFemme.com

Space Limited: 9 students

NEW YORK

ForteFemme logo

When: Friday, January 30th through Sunday, February 1st, 2015
Where: New York City. Luxury 2,000 sq ft private loft in the Flatiron district

Cost:

  • Early registration $850/per woman. (ends November 5th, 2014)
  • Standard registration $950/per woman. (from November 6th, 2014 to January 15th, 2015)
  • Last Minute registration $975/per woman. (from January 16th, 2015)

SAN FRANCISCO

ForteFemme logo

When: Friday, February 20th through Sunday, February 22nd, 2015

Where: Elegant private loft in the South of Market (SoMa) area

Cost:

  • Early registration $850/per woman. (through November 10th, 2014)
  • Standard registration $950/per woman. (from Novemeber 11th, 2014 to February 13th, 2015)
  • Last Minute registration $975/per woman. (from February 15th, 2015)

To all the wonderful women out there - Be the best dominant you can be!
Find your authentic power, erotic fulfillment, confidence and skills in this unique and transformative intensive.

Experience 3 days of personalized education, psychology, support, technique and more, all in an elegant private setting. Includes a field trip of kinky shopping and a lovely dinner.
Original material workbook. Meals and refreshments

Registration & Info: www.ForteFemme.com
Sponsored by: The Stockroom , the Pleasure Chest & Mr. S. Leather & Purple Passion

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6. MY ONLINE HANGOUTS

Social media slums & places I procrastinate at

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